0:00:00 - Sari Goodman
I think it makes it challenging for us as parents when we're coaches and consultants, because we give advice and so we're giving advice to our children, who don't want to hear it. They just don't want to hear it, and so sometimes what's really hard is not saying anything and not jumping in to solve the problem, and I think that saying things like hmm, I bet there's a solution, as opposed to giving the solution, is harder on us but better for the children.
0:00:36 - Betsy Jordyn
So welcome everybody to this week's episode of the enough already podcast. This is the show for consultants and coaches who want to forge their own past to success in their careers, in their lives. And today I have a very special guest. I feel like I say that about all my guests because they're all special in many, many ways. So I have on the show Sari Goodman, who is a parent coach, and I want her on the show for so many reasons. So I begged her for a long time and she finally said yes.
So I'm so grateful and I wanted to have her on the show for a variety of reasons. Number one she's somebody who went from the world of being an educator and an administrator principle and she turned her experience into her own parent coaching business. So I think for all of us who are who have been on that journey or thinking about that journey, they will be inspired by her story. But also for a lot of us, we make this big decision to leave corporate and start our own businesses because we want work life balance. You know we have kids and we want to be there for our kids. But let's be honest, sometimes our kids can be a little challenging and it's really hard to juggle it, all you know, especially when you're being a busy entrepreneur. So I wanted her to come on the show and give us some actionable tips to help us out with that. So that's why she's here and I'm really excited to have her and, without further ado, welcome to the show, Sari.
0:01:58 - Sari Goodman
Thank you, Betsy. Thank you very much. I know how hard it is. I have kids to. I survived, I learned from them as much as I learned from all my experiences as an educator, and I know that balancing work and kids and family is really it's not easy. And on top of that, if you have your own business and your your own boss, that's another level of commitment and that you have to really consider children. And especially now after the pandemic, I think one of the biggest issues that parents are saying is their kids are sick all the time and that's a residual of the pandemic because kids didn't really build up a lot of immunities. They're getting sick more frequently, they're getting sick for longer periods of time. These viruses are just hanging on. And on top of that, we parents are being sick and parents aren't allowed to be sick. I mean, when do we have time to be sick? We have businesses to run, families to run. We just don't have that time.
0:03:06 - Betsy Jordyn
So it's a big issue. So all the parents are listening. Who's like? Their heart rates are starting to go up. It's like, oh my God, yes, you're right, we're going to get into all of that and all the actionable solutions. Before we get into it, I really want to take a step back and talk a little bit about your journey into business ownership. You know so. You are principal and at some point you had an ah ha of saying hey, wait a minute. I'm talking to all these parents. All the time I wonder if I could make a business out of it. Tell us a little bit more about that story and how did that happen for you?
0:03:38 - Sari Goodman
It. It did happen because, as a school principal, I deal with a lot of parents and over time, I've been a principal for many, many years and over time what I noticed was I was spending more and more time with parents. Parents were seeking me out more and more for questions and worries and there's a lot of pressure on parents to be perfect and there is no such thing as the perfect parent. But there's still that pressure out there of you know, is my child going to go to college? Yes, they are there for if you want to go to college or go to college, but there's these other people out there.
0:04:12 - Betsy Jordyn
I want to go to college. I can't get my daughter to go to college and she's 19. Wait a minute.
0:04:17 - Sari Goodman
You'll still work If there's still you know, their brains really don't develop fully until they're about 25 years old. You mean amazed at the changes that even come with 19 and 20 year olds because, frankly, there's still kids, so there's plenty of time for that, okay so I'll send you the bill from my personal session later, but let's talk about okay.
0:04:42 - Betsy Jordyn
So you were there. Parents were coming to you all the time.
0:04:45 - Sari Goodman
I had all this training for raising two children and teaching children and helping train teachers and I'm thinking, wow, all these parents are coming. I would like to have more information on that. So I went back to school and I became a certified parent coach and it was a very interesting experience and I felt like I was doing it to be a better advocate for parents at my school. And then what turned out was parents were coming to me and saying I have a friend whose children don't go here, but they need a seri. I said, oh well, this is an idea.
So I started helping those parents privately on on, when I wasn't working weekends and evenings, and then I started to do that more and more and decided you know what there are? There's a need out there for parents to have somebody to call. They need someone in their back pocket, they need someone to ask a question that's not going to judge them, that can give them some information, that can get to know their family needs and and be individual and understand that different families have different values and different ways of looking at life and they need very, very specific kinds of targeted help. And that's me.
0:06:04 - Betsy Jordyn
You know, what I love about your story is for so many of the people that I work with through my brand messaging program is that they really don't know who they want to help and how and why. But what's cool for you is you had that clarity around, like it was the need that drove. You is like, wow, I see all of these needs and I want to go meet him and now let me create a business around that. I think that's great.
0:06:27 - Sari Goodman
Right, that's it. That's how it happened and it was almost accidental in terms of wow, these parents really need more help and I need to be that person, because they're the ones that trust me and they're the ones that come to me.
0:06:40 - Betsy Jordyn
Yeah, when we started working together, I think that you had that clarity run. Okay, this is what I'm all about. But what was so challenging for you? To put it into words like, what was that challenge all about?
0:06:51 - Sari Goodman
Well, I'll tell you, when you work for a school, there was a business manager and there were marketing people and there were all kinds of things that I had no training in. I look at education very academically and what I had to do was learn how to talk to parents about what I do without being so academic about it, and that was actually very hard for me and you helped me a lot with that is change my vocabulary so that I knew who I wanted to help. I knew how I could help them. I needed to get that message out to people in a way they could hear it and understand it.
0:07:33 - Betsy Jordyn
Yeah, so it was like unlearning the academic speech and learning a new language, which is actually the irony is it's much more of an authentic language. I think that's one of the things that trip us up with our brand messaging all the time is we get all caught up in our expertise in our world and we try to talk even more academic or more theoretical or more in our industry speak, when the real, natural way is just how we speak as humans, like now.
I could ask you, and I'm sure I could put you on the hot seat right now is I could ask you to share what you do and I bet you it's going to just come across really natural and I kind of feel like I want to put you on the hot seat.
0:08:13 - Sari Goodman
That sounds okay, well, let's practice.
0:08:15 - Betsy Jordyn
Okay, so tell me so great to meet you, Sari what do you do?
0:08:21 - Sari Goodman
Well, what you know how, there's parents who are just really frustrated and overwhelmed. They have businesses, they have obligations and parenting is just really hard. And I come in and I get to know you and I help parents really understand the challenges and the solutions for where their struggles lie in a very individualized manner.
0:08:45 - Betsy Jordyn
Very good, thank you, and I like how you start off with like the parents who are struggling, which really identifies like what, who you want to help and how you want to help them. But for those of us who are listening in, who may not know the difference between a parent coach and a therapist or a behavioral therapist, like, what's the difference between, like a mental health counselor that a parent might go to or a behavioral therapist that they might hire on behalf of their child?
0:09:12 - Sari Goodman
That's a really good question. A parent coach deals with the here and now. I go in, I do a lot of in person, I do some virtual and I see what's happening with the family here and now and we deal with the now. A therapist will also deal with the before and look for connections for past lives, maybe past traumas. A lot of sometimes how we parent or how we look at our children is based on our past experiences and that's a therapist job to look back. Maybe there's what we call attachment issues. There's also when you have certain diagnoses you might need a specific therapist. For instance, if there are sensory issues, you'll need an occupational therapist. If there are speech issues, you'll need a speech therapist. Those are very, very specific kinds of skills that take a lot of training. I also have training, but I talk to the parents about what they're doing right now.
0:10:16 - Betsy Jordyn
So it sounds like it's more of like you have someone in the back pocket for yourself. It's not about like okay, well, you know, I grew up in this kind of childhood and so it's hard for me to connect. It's more like what do I do right now with my child? And it's not necessarily dealing with all the specific diagnoses that your child might have. You're not helping if they're on the spectrum somewhere, if they have some oppositional defiance disorder. It's not that Like that is going to be a special therapist that the child will go to. But this is about like how do I handle this and create a situation for my family?
0:10:50 - Sari Goodman
Correct. I also help parents who have children who have diagnoses. Parenting a child with ADHD is a different strategy, has different strategies. Parenting with children with different diagnoses like autism. I help them in the here and now and I also work with the therapists. So if you have a psychologist or you have an occupational therapist or you have an outside therapist that's working with the child, I confer what are the goals and sometimes I'll say to the parent who might misinterpret what's happening maybe they're interpreting a defiant behavior when I'll say well, that's a reaction, remember your therapist is talking about. Your child reacts to loud noises. Your child reacts to how things feel or certain foods. That's a reaction. And so how do we work with the child? How do I tell the parents how to work with the child to really recognize that and then move forward in the here and now.
And sometimes parents will call me. I'll go in week for sure. We talk at least once a week. Sometimes with kids things happen all the time. So a parent can call me in the middle of the week. This is happening. What do I do? And I'll say well, remember what we talked about. I'm going to stay on the phone. Let's practice those steps and I'm going to stay with you until we get past this one.
And it's practice. Right, you need to practice. You can't just flip a switch and know how to parent all of a sudden, and so I'm there to help with that. It's called guided in education speak. It's called guided practice, and in reality it's called I'm sticking with you and helping you get over this home.
0:12:35 - Betsy Jordyn
I mean, that's the biggest part of what you just said. So it's like if I go to my own therapist to help me figure out whatever it is like you go for a session and then you go back and then a week goes by and it's like, well, I don't know how to apply anything. If I call my friends, it's the blind and leaning the blind. But I could call you and I could have your real time. Like, go do this. Like this very action learning. I think you and I like each other from that standpoint and then it's why you like being in the Purpose to Profits Academy is because of the action learning, because that is the only way that we actually transform our behavior.
0:13:08 - Sari Goodman
Right In the, in this Purpose to Profits, we do something similar in that. Here's the skill, here's the practice, here's the hot seat. Let's practice, let's correct, let's go back. It's very similar because it's here and now. It's not theoretical, it's actionable at that point, and I think a lot of parents tell me what I give them are very practical ideas and what you give us in the Academy are very practical, actionable. You break it down into small pieces. That's what I do with parents too. You have to break it down into small pieces. Let's try this, let's try this, let's make this. Break us down into smaller pieces. That's the same thing that you do with us.
0:13:55 - Betsy Jordyn
So it's interesting because part of the it took me a while to figure out, like what I wanted to do with the community, and I think what I observed is that there's like all these little building blocks of skills that we need to have that over time, makes us effective at marketing or sales or persuasive communication. But most of the stuff that's out there is all of that theoretical, like this is what you need to do, and maybe they'll tell you a little bit of the how, but not the nitty gritty and the how, and I think as a parent, we get a thousand different perspectives or every day around what we're supposed to do for our kids, like what, what, what. You're supposed to be patient. You're supposed to ask questions. You're supposed to, you know, attune to their issues, you're supposed to discipline them, you know. And then it's like okay, I don't know what to do, you know and then you have a coach and then they'll tell you like, or you might go to therapists.
I was like, well, you know, you really need to give them choices around this. You can empower them. It's like, well, what the heck does that mean? We're trying to run out the door and I don't have time to say you know, child, would you rather wear your jeans or would you rather wear your skirt today? Which one works best for you? And they're like no, and they throw it at you. It's like, well, that theory didn't work.
0:15:01 - Sari Goodman
But if I call you right, and the biggest one is you're supposed to, you're supposed to stay calm and as a parent myself, I remember those times when here's this child who you love unconditionally. You would throw yourself in front of a car for them, you would just do anything and they're telling you no, you know, that makes your blood boil and I'm supposed to stay calm. No, I'm not calm, and that's the other thing parents will say. But I lost my temper and I'm going to say wow, that's okay, you can express yourself to your child. Look what you're teaching your child that when you get frustrated, you used your words.
That's a lesson in and of itself.
0:15:44 - Betsy Jordyn
So you're like the parent, you're the ideal parent to the parents so that they can go and model that to the kids.
0:15:52 - Sari Goodman
Right, and you have to help parents relieve that there's so much worry and fear and guilt. Am I doing this right? Am I harming my child because I just lost my temper? It's not like you're yelling at them every single minute of the day, right, it's like you're human, and that's what I try to help parents. Recognize is that we're not striving here for perfection. We're striving for love, we're striving for humanity and we're striving to teach children how the world works and behavior has repercussions. If you don't behave right in school, the teacher's not gonna be happy with you. If you're an adult and you start screaming in a store, they're gonna escort you out. There are repercussions for your behavior. Better to teach them now, when they're young, that this is how the world works.
0:16:49 - Betsy Jordyn
Okay, first off, where in the world were you when I left Disney to start my business too? Because I think a lot of people, when they leave their corporate nine to five, start their own business. A lot of times the driver is because they wanna be there for their kids. But there's something about being there for your kids and having more availability that actually seems to create more challenges sometimes a parenting than less. Just because you're there doesn't mean it's easier. And when you're in a 70 hour work week you can sort of go into autopilot, versus now you're home all the time. I don't know if that makes sense. Like, does that make sense?
0:17:23 - Sari Goodman
It's a big challenge. I mean it's a challenge if you work for a company and it's a bigger challenge, I think, if you're an entrepreneur, because when you're an entrepreneur and you have your own business, you're working. You could be working literally 24 seven, because if you're not working, you're thinking about working and you're thinking about things. Or you're playing with your child and you're thinking I should be doing this right. There's always this back in your head.
So there's a lot of pressure on entrepreneurs and I think that one way to really protect yourself, to be able to focus on your business and focus on your family, is to take a step back and say when things are humming, when things are going well the nanny showed up on time, nobody's sick, everybody's at work, all my ducks are in a row that's the time when you put yourself 100% into your job. It's like banking hours. Right, when everything is going well, you bank those hours and that way, when you can't the nanny didn't show up, the child is sick, an employee calls in sick, something didn't arrive when it was you can say well, I have all those banked hours. So it's still a pressure, but it's just less. I think there's stress in that, but there's not panic in that when you bank your hours, you've avoided panic.
0:18:51 - Betsy Jordyn
The way I look at it sometimes is like banking my goodwill with my clients more than banking hours like banking goodwill because the crisis will come up. But let's talk about the difference between what are the typical parent challenges and what are the parent crises. Like one of the things that I'm observing or I experienced myself and I'm observing in other people is just things that were a challenge perhaps when you were working for somebody else, where it's like I could just call out sick or take a sick day. Now it's like I got a client meeting. I don't really have an opportunity to deal with my child mental health breakdown or their health crisis, or I have to, I gotta get on a plane tomorrow. Things that were challenges now become crises.
So what are the typical parent challenges and what exacerbates them? When you're running your own business, you don't have employees. You're serving I serve consultants and coaches. Those are the people who are listening. They don't usually have a bunch of people that they could turn to. They can't duplicate themselves and say you go lead this workshop, that somebody's spending all of this money for me to lead Like. That's not possible. So what are the typical parent challenges that any high achieving professional family will deal with with children today, and how are these challenges? What are the unique challenges that us entrepreneurs deal with?
0:20:15 - Sari Goodman
I think the first thing is you have to recognize that all the things that you said, they all will happen, guaranteed they will all happen. And what entrepreneurs have in their back pocket is this understanding and this ability of their business experience to say what if. And what you have to do is you have to list all of the what ifs. What ifs? I have to get on a plane and my child just threw up. What if the nanny didn't show up? What if? All the what ifs. And then you have to plan and anticipate, and then you have to have some quick corrections, and I think that's the benefit. We talk a lot about how hard it is to be an entrepreneur, but there are a lot of benefits because of the skills that you have just inherently when you're an entrepreneur and when you have kids. You need a village. You just need a village. You could be a single parent, you could be a single parent with a co-parent, you can have two parent working families. You just need a village. And so you have to plan that ahead of time. And so who's your village? Who can you call? Who can you call who can take your kids? At a moment's notice, think about that and talk to that person. So maybe it's a colleague, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a grandparent, if you're lucky enough, or an aunt and uncle, maybe it's a neighbor. Talk to them ahead of time and say this might happen. I'm getting on a plane tomorrow, everything seems right, and can I call upon you and have those people to call upon and that's really important and have those numbers and have that conversation ahead of time so that you're not all of a sudden going who can I call? Who can I call? Who can I call? That's too late. You have to set that up ahead of time.
And then I suggest you draft an email for your clients. Have that draft there that says whoops, my child is sick. Because when your child is sick or when a crisis happens in the middle of your work week, when those kinds of things happen, you're exhausted, you're overwhelmed, you're not thinking straight. And to sit down and draft an email to your clients that, whoops, this week I have to reschedule, you're not thinking about that. So I suggested you do some draft emails and then also then let your clients know, or let the people know that you're working, for I'm going to get to that. My child's sick. I'm getting to that in the evening. I'm getting to that in the weekend. That means, wow, my child is sick. But I am prioritizing you. You client, you customer, you are important to me and this is how I'm prioritizing you. And you do that ahead of time and at least there's, you're reducing the panic. That's what I think. That's really important.
0:23:10 - Betsy Jordyn
So it's like it's anticipating all the issues, but there's some stuff that you I don't know if you can anticipate all the time Like at least for me it's like a parent. I've gotten blindsided by some of the issues that came up. Let me give you a few client scenarios, like the clients that I deal with, and some of the parenting challenges that they might have, and like let me get your thoughts on like how would you help them? So I have one client who is a strategic advisor, but also she has like a creative firm, and so she has actual deliverables for her clients on a regular basis and her family's gone through like a slew of illnesses, you know, just one after the other, after the other, after the other.
You know she's like. You know she's an entrepreneur because she wants to be there for her family. You know she wants to be able to have not just this child but more children, but you know her child's at that preschool age where they're constantly getting sick all the time. She's got these deliverables. So what would you suggest to her about how to manage that particular area, but still being true to her purpose and what she wants to do when she's still dealing with? You know, because you know when a kid, like a preschool kid, gets sick. All the time I'm gonna go through the different age age range Young children. It's a combination of like they get sick all the time.
You know. Then you know you mentioned the nanny thing and you know, but they get sick all the time and then there's like behavioral challenges, but let's just talk about the sick all the time. What do you do as an entrepreneur?
0:24:29 - Sari Goodman
Well, it's like your business you plan and you prepare. One thing is because they are sick all the time, these preschoolers, if they're in daycare and preschool, they're just bringing it home and one way to prevent is just keep washing hands. I tell parents, everybody has their own tube of toothpaste. No sharing anything, because not only is your preschool child gonna get sick, but then you're gonna get sick and you're gonna pass it on and it's like this, it's down the line and then it starts over again. So no sharing of anything.
Wiping things down, that's one preparation. Another preparation is where's the 24 hour pharmacy? Where's the pediatric urgent care? Not all urgent cares take kids. No, ahead of time, because part of that is part of that when they're sick is oh, what do I do? Who do I call? You need to know that ahead of time. That's another thing.
When you have play dates with kids preschoolers coming to your house, that's like a germ factory walking in your door. So you have to have them wash hands, you have to wipe down those toys after they leave. So part of that is preparation. Another part of that is have your go-to bag, have all those medications and towels and extra sheets. And there was a shortage on pedia care not too long ago.
Though, if a child is vomiting a lot, they need to be rehydrated and some of these things. Because of the supply chain issues, you can't get them, so you need to stock up, and when you have that stock up, all these things alleviate, get you just a little bit closer, and if you're working, you have that person to call. You need to come over. Right now. The child is sick and I have a project that's due and they need to come over and you have that person and you have all the equipment ready. You have all the doctor on speed dial and you have that person who can come in. I need you from this time to this time until I get the deliverable out, and then I can take care of it. It's like giving yourself a time to breathe.
0:26:45 - Betsy Jordyn
So what do you do about time to breathe, piggybacking on that? What do you do with that exhaustion that you, as the business owner, might be feeling from constantly dealing with the illnesses?
0:26:55 - Sari Goodman
Well, and what if you get sick? I think one of the the luxury you know when you're a parent, you can't get sick, and even if you're sick, you have to work through it. It's that's double exhaustion. I always thought that being able to be in bed and be sick as a mom was a luxury, and that's you call upon your village. Do you have a co-parent? Do you have a grandparent? Get somebody in the house and it's okay. It's like sometimes we think, well, I'm home, so I can do it. You need to give yourself that opportunity to have somebody come in and help you. What if you're sick? Do you have that village where you say, can you take my kid, send your kid to a relatives house, to a friend's house? You have that village. You take their kid, you take your kid. That's great.
Let yourself be sick or give yourself like, finally they're well and I just I need time. I think a lot of us feel guilty, like if you, they were sick and now I need to spend time with them. No, it's okay to take care of yourself, that's such an important thing. It's okay to say take my kid, I just need, I just need an hour, I just need a massage. I just it's not. It's okay to go out to a restaurant for an hour to just for coffee with someone. It's all okay, and I think that your children benefit from that, because one of the things in our really fast paced world is we don't take time to take care of ourselves and we're teaching our children. Think of it as teaching your children how to take care of themselves. We need to teach them that too.
0:28:35 - Betsy Jordyn
So it sounds like there's a lot of prevention, like so plan in advance. And I think for young kids you could plan a little bit more in advance for the issues that they're going to have. They're going to have the temper tantrums.
They're going to get sick all the time, you know, and if you could plan in advance and make sure that you're taking care of yourself, making sure everybody's staying healthy, you got all of that taken care of. That's a lot of like the younger ones. Now let's talk about the middle school, because that's when everything is, at least in my experience. I don't know if other parents would experience it All the issues are a big surprise, you know, because it's like I didn't know about all of these.
You know, like, especially like with middle school girls, there's so much bullying that's going on in there I think that's for boys. There's more like bullying themselves or oppositional issues that might come up. You know, or you know, like nowadays, like there's a lot of kids who are, you know, there's a lot of you know, wondering about, like their gender identity, and there's a lot of issues that all of a sudden come up or there's, you know, cutting, all the other crazy stuff that seems to come up in middle school. You know, what do you recommend to parents with those surprise, especially parents who are busy, like oh my gosh, I have a big speaking gig across the, you know, in a different country, and I got my kid melting down over here in this middle school world. What do you recommend in that scenario?
0:29:57 - Sari Goodman
Well, you have made friends with your child's teacher, you know who the school counselor is and if it's in the summertime, you have your go to person. That's number one and you make you make those connections and relationships ahead of time. And the other thing is is be a good listener. We can't solve all of our children's problems. It's like when you say, like the kiss of death is to say, well, when I was your age, forget it, don't even go there, because their lives are very different than our lives were. We didn't have Instagram, we didn't have a lot of this social pressures that they're having. Their lives are very different.
0:30:37 - Betsy Jordyn
And so we didn't have shooter drills.
0:30:39 - Sari Goodman
No, we didn't have active shooter drills. I mean, we just didn't have that. We could go to school, we could come home, and so one thing that we have to get better at is listening. We, as parents, it's in our DNA to go rush and solve the problem. That's not necessarily what our kids need. What our kids need is someone who will listen to them, and sometimes they. If they have someone who will really listen not listen and think of the solution at the same time, but really listen they sometimes can come up with their own solution. It's amazing if you will do that. So one of the things that you say is hmm, practice your. Hmm. As they talk, you go. Hmm, that means I'm listening, but I am not judging and I am not coming in and for sure say that's it. They're not playing with that kid ever again, because they'll be their best friend by the next day. So that doesn't work. I'm really good listening.
0:31:37 - Betsy Jordyn
I'm kind of talking about the more substantial things where kids might not be talking about it, like they might be hiding it, you know, or eating disorders show up, or cutting, or all those other things that are much more challenging and they're much more hidden and you might find out, like you know, like when you know, so, like I could visualize you know, people who are like I got this crazy stuff I'm dealing with at home and I got to be like on I'm standing in front of a workshop and I got to be on talking to this group of you know group of leaders that I'm trying to train them on.
You know, or come up with a unique intellectual property or do something you know, really be present with my coaching client. And I got this like behind, you know, the back of my head. It's like my kid's not doing well, you know, what do you suggest to that parent? Or it's like I'm trying to give a hundred percent of my heart to my clients but something's got going on over here and a good percentage of my capacity is drained with worry about my kid.
0:32:30 - Sari Goodman
But you're not alone. Who else is on, who else is in your village In the moment when you're speaking. There has to be somebody else in your village who's doing your worrying for you in that time and and when you have these serious mental health issues and there's a lot of them out there and they're increasing and that's when you have, that's when I have my referral list, because that takes therapy and it takes the right kind of therapy and you have to know who to call. And I think that, as parents, we feel we're supposed to solve these problems for our children. We're supposed to ask for help. We are supposed to ask for help. We are not trained therapists, we don't know how to deal with cutting. It's horrible, it's a horrible, horrible thing. And there are specialists out there. I know in Los Angeles, at UCLA, there's the Semmel Institute which has an amazing system for helping teens, middle schoolers and teens with these types of crises. And that's where you, once you have an inkling, that's where you seek out, that's where you call me and say where's my referral? Where do I go? Who do I talk to? Because that's another way I help parents. I help parents by saying this is where you need to go. This is you need an assessment.
It sounds to me like there are big issues here. Sometimes I'll walk into a parent's house and I'll say this isn't a parenting issue, this is a big issue and we need to get an evaluation. We need to get a therapist involved in that. And that's where your village and I think parents have this fear or this assumption that they're just supposed to know what to do because it's their child. The fact is, is that no, because every child is unique, every problem is unique. How in the world are you supposed to know about this exact unique problem? So, really, the key is being willing to ask for help and being able to share the worry.
I think sometimes you can say well, right now I'm focusing on my job and I'm focusing on this because my child is at least in a safe place with this person and I can get through this presentation and I can focus 100% because in this moment my child has. Maybe there's not solution in this minute, but certainly there's somebody there for that child in this moment, so I can work on my project, so I can be fully present, because that's important too. Right, that's the balance. One thing is not more important than the other. In a moment, your children are the most important thing, and in other moments, in your reality, this is the most important thing and it's the focus, it's the ability to focus.
0:35:30 - Betsy Jordyn
So it sounds like thematically so, regardless of the age. So whether they're young, they're preteen, they're teen, I'll ask, I would love to ask you about young adults, because that's where I'm at right now. It's like I thought that was harder when they were younger, but it's harder now Trying to launch kids are much more challenging.
But it sounds like the thematically is really just kind of like playing in advance, based on their age, what kind of issues you could predictably deal with and as much as you can prepare for it in your mind without freaking yourself out and worrying. You know, like kind of playing in advance for those. It seems like the second principle is really all around making sure you have your village, whether it's other parents, co-parents, it's specialists, it's someone like you, it's whoever it is making sure that you know what that network looks like. But it seems like underneath everything that you've been saying is there's a perspective around our expectations as a parent. What does it mean to be a good parent? Because I think that's a big question, because there's a thousand different definitions and you keep adding to it. You know like which one.
You know a good mom stays at home and is there for kids all the time. Or a good mom is a role model, or she goes out and she does this. You know good parents don't make any mistakes. You know good parents always put the children first, you know, and then you know, and then, if they don't, they're bad parents. You know good parents never lose their temper with their children. Good parents, you know like. What is that? You know like let's talk about this what is a good parent? And especially, what does that look like when you're you might have left your business so you can be a good parent.
0:37:11 - Sari Goodman
That's the funny thing about our culture today is that we have words like good parent and good dad and bad parent and bad dad. And where did that come from? Because that's new. When I was a principal, there would be people who would say, oh, she's a really good mom. Or you would judge the mom because all the kids wanted to go over to their house. And oh, I'm not a good mom, Nobody wants to come to my house. And it's this judgment that we put ourselves under. I don't know what would we say I'm a good entrepreneur and I'm a bad entrepreneur. I mean, I have a people. Don't judge you that way. Why would they judge parents that way?
0:37:58 - Betsy Jordyn
As a business mentor, I definitely know that people will judge themselves as I'm a good entrepreneur relative to what other people are doing. People always look at it and say, oh, you're so much farther along with me, now I'm going to go beat myself up. But when it comes to parenting, it feels like it's at a very different emotional level, like I'm going to be a screw up if my kids aren't healthy, if my kids don't aren't happy, if my you know like there's that phrase, you know like a mom's only as happy as their their unhappiest child, you know. And it's hard to get away from that because if my kids aren't happy, everybody's looking at me and judging me that I must be like some horrible human. You know, like that I couldn't raise, you know, more productive humans, or or or maybe they do.
The flip side is like you get this, you know kid who's like been, you know, super responsible, since they, you know, birthed out of the womb. You know they were already cleaning room at two years old, you know, and now they're on the fast track and it's like oh, look at me, I'm a great parent. You know, like, like, so could go either way. Cuts both ways. So what do you say to someone you know, like what do you say to this whole idea of good or bad?
0:39:04 - Sari Goodman
I say that it's false. There's no, it's. It's false. You can't be a good means. You know what's happening. I can be a good reader. I'm going back to my academics because I practice reading.
The thing with the, with the child, is they they can change daily. The issues change daily as they grow. Everything, personalities, the culture changes daily. Who are their friends, who are their teachers All these things you cannot control.
So if there's so many things in your child's life that you cannot control, how can you consider yourself good or bad? There's just too many things you can't control and there's too many things that you don't know what's going to come up tomorrow. You can prepare, prepare, prepare and I talk about preparation. But at some point in in time you're going to get a curveball that you didn't prepare for. Does that make you bad? No, that just makes you human, and I think that, as human beings, our job is to do the best for our children and we're going to make mistakes.
We're going to make mistakes why? Because we're human and we can't beat ourselves up for the mistakes. We have to learn from the mistakes. Whoops, that wasn't the right thing to say. If you say to your child well, when I was your age and they go ballistic and you don't get me and you don't understand what I'm talking about and I'm never talking to you again. You can say to yourself well, whoops, that wasn't right, I won't do that again.
And then you move on because kids are resilient and you have that relationship with them. Sometimes it's a great relationship, Sometimes it's a rocky relationship, but they're your children and you're their parents and that's it and you get to. You get to learn from your mistakes and they get to learn from their mistakes in the same way. You're not going to hold your child to a higher standard, because children will make mistakes, they will cry, they will have temper tantrums and they'll also say I love you and thank you. You have to wait a while for those thank yous to come. It's usually when they're adults Thanks, that doesn't come right away.
0:41:10 - Betsy Jordyn
So what I love about what you're saying, Sari, just that's so powerful, is just the whole idea of being a good enough mom or a good enough dad. My sister is a social worker and she used to say that all the time there's some theory I forgot the name of whoever says it there's a whole theory of this good enough mom. How do you? What encouragement do you get to parents who might be struggling with their parenting, with where their kids are at and dealing with everything, to give them some encouragement like that? It's okay that they've done enough.
0:41:44 - Sari Goodman
Well, it's interesting because that's one of the things I do when I work with parents is I often point out what they're doing right. I think parents are sometimes really hard on themselves and assuming, oh, this must be wrong or I must be doing something wrong. And I'll go in and I'll say, wow, that was great, your child. Did you notice that? Your child really responded well to that. And I think when we're so hyper focused on ourselves as parents, we miss what we do well and we miss when our child responded well to something. And I'll say your child really responded to that. Do it again, your child.
Wow, the words you used, your child really heard you. Did you notice that? Your child really heard you? And this is how you can tell that your child really heard you, because they stopped. They didn't look at you, but they just stopped and thought Did you notice that? And so one of the things that I'll help is build confidence by saying you know what you're doing a lot of things right, and right means it's working for your child and it's working for you. It's not right because some book told you it's right. It's right because that's what's working for your family right now. That's what makes it right.
0:43:01 - Betsy Jordyn
So it sounds like a lot of the way that you work with your clients is. It's not like you have these cookie cutter principles. That's the difference. It's like I could read a million parenting books, but then those parenting books don't know me, they don't know my kid, but then when they work with someone like you, it's really customized to the family and the whole family system and how everybody in the system is interacting, and then you just jump in there, right.
0:43:28 - Sari Goodman
I mean, if you work at home, that's a different dynamic than if you get up and go to work. Do you have to get out the door at a certain time or do you have a little bit more leeway? Are there siblings, is there a grandparent? Is there a nanny? You know how do these things work. There's a lot of differences in families. What about values? Values are different in different. Values Doesn't make them right, doesn't make them wrong, just makes them different. And if you're parenting to your values, I think that's when we start feeling judged, is when we feel like people with value, people who have values different than ours, are judging us on our values, and that's where we get very stressed. And so I help parents say well, what's your value, what's your focus? And it kind of relieves the pressure. I remember one time there are certain things that I made a point of very clearly telling my children I don't care, I don't care if you make your bed. I know that bothers some people, but I just didn't care.
I didn't care if they got dirty, I just didn't care. I mean, those were not. I cared that they treated each other with respect. I cared that they didn't hit each other, but I didn't care if they got dirty. And I remember one time my child went over to somebody's house to eat and of course he's young and they have spaghetti. So what happens? When you eat spaghetti, you get it all over yourself. And one of the adults said, oh, your mom's going to be really upset with you. And my kid said, no, she won't, because he knew I wouldn't get upset over that. I was very clear but I would get upset over something else. That was my value how we treat others. And so when you're clear on those things and see how some parent was judging your mom's going to and assuming I'm going to get upset over that, well, what if my child didn't know about that, about me, and felt very bad and felt very stressed and came home like that? So I think it's that clarity of what you value helps you be a better parent.
0:45:27 - Betsy Jordyn
Yeah, so it's like and that's where one of the strengths as a consultant or coach we bring is we do have awareness of our values, we teach people about values, and that's something that we are very mindful of and conscious of. We're like how do you take what we already know in this area and apply it to our parenting? Are there other things that, as consultants and coaches, were uniquely wired to? Have an ability to improve our parenting or be responsive to some of the advice that you might be giving?
0:46:01 - Sari Goodman
I am not sure I understand your question.
0:46:04 - Betsy Jordyn
So you know, like, I think, consultants and coaches, we spend a lot of time. We're helpers by nature, we give advice, we're wisdom. People like what are some of the things that are our natural strengths as parents and what are some of the things because we're consultants and coaches and we're natural advice givers and all of that that makes it challenging for us as parents.
0:46:21 - Sari Goodman
I think it makes it challenging for us as parents when we're coaches and consultants, because we give advice and so we're giving advice to our children, who don't want to hear it. They just don't want to hear it, and so sometimes what's really hard is not saying anything and not jumping in to solve the problem, and I think that saying things like hmm, I bet there's a solution, as opposed to giving the solution, is harder on us but better for the children. Right? So the coaches are listening. The coaches are listening.
0:46:57 - Betsy Jordyn
They're like yes, I'm happy. Yay, that's my approach. You know it's client directed, so that's good for them. Where would the coaches? Go wrong, though. What would be hard for them? It's like, yeah, I'm really good at that, but where it might be some of their parenting challenges.
0:47:11 - Sari Goodman
Well, it's like me. I was a teacher and a school principal and when my kids got into trouble I became mom and all the things that I knew about as a teacher and a principal go out the window. And I think it's the same thing when we're a parent and a consultant coach yeah, we would help our clients very well, but when it's our own child goes out the window and I think to be able to pause and not be that professional, it's like a child. You know, my child said don't be a teacher right now, mom. It could tell right, don't be a consultant right now, mom. Just listen to what I have to say or just let me be angry, or whatever it is. That's a really hard thing as a parent to do is to take a step.
0:47:56 - Betsy Jordyn
I think it's easier to do that with a client. We could be an idealized parent in some ways to a client, because we don't have a dog and their hunt, it's like. It's fine because I could stay objective. But when it's my kid and it's like, no, you're like, I mean I could.
I say all the time when I onboard people into my program, it's like you know, you can make your own mistakes, just don't make my own, don't make my mistakes. And it's like, if you go ahead and make your make my mistakes, it's like okay, fine, you're going to learn, that's fine. But you know, if my kid's going to make the same mistakes, like, like, then it's like you viscerally feel the pain that they're going to experience and you want to protect them from that horrible pain. So it's like how do you, how do you keep that objectivity? And I think I think you mentioned it in the beginning about the control and that their own, their own person. But it feels like this might be a good point to reiterate what you said earlier about where does your responsibility as a parent end and your, your child has to take responsibility for themselves and their own choices.
0:48:54 - Sari Goodman
Well, of course it depends on the age, but you have to understand that, even though they're your child, they are not you and they have their own personality and they understand. Children understand things differently than adults. They don't understand the world. They see the world differently and I think that's where some of the conflict comes in, because we see it Well. I told you this. How can you not do that? And they'll.
They truly didn't remember, or they didn't quite understand what you meant, or it didn't fit their personality, so they completely discounted. You know, if they're a middle school or a high schooler, and yeah, whatever they're saying is you're like, yeah, no, and they go on and move on. That's where that's where we have to understand is that they have their own personalities, they have their own understandings and they have different life experiences. We didn't have the teachers they have. We never had the friends they had. We never had the traumas or we didn't have the pandemic when we were growing up. Their lives are very different and their understanding of the world is very different than who we are now and their reactions. We sometimes assume that their reactions are all because of us, when in actuality, their reactions is a combination of all their life experiences. And it's not all on us. We have to let go of that piece. That is really not all about us.
0:50:33 - Betsy Jordyn
So there's just so much here. I feel like I could talk to you forever, Like I got a million questions and you could tell I'm very connected to what you're saying, because parenting for a lot of us who are parents, we love our businesses for sure, but it's like we love our kids. Our businesses are there for our kids. It's not the other way around. This is a very emotional topic. What would be the signs that would say you've done enough by asking your friends for advice? Your therapy has only gotten you so far? These are the signs that it's time now to go hire a parent coach like you.
0:51:11 - Sari Goodman
I would say, if you feel like you just don't, you're saying to yourself I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I'm afraid, I'm worried. If those are your descriptors, it's time to call someone, because there's just all this information out there, even for a therapist. They know what you tell them and what I do is I know what I see and seeing is really about. I see you, I see you, I see your family, and I have a wealth of try this, try this, try this. And sometimes I learn from my clients like, oh, this is a new way of parenting that works. Sometimes I'll see a parent have a, have two parent in a certain way that works for their child, and I just add that one to my toolbox. So, in the same way I add to parents toolbox, they add to mine, because there is more than one way to parent. There's a million ways to parent because there are a million different children and different personalities.
0:52:20 - Betsy Jordyn
So it just seems like whenever it's like you know what, like it doesn't even have to be like in a crisis, it just could be like I just want to, I just need help, like things. Whatever I'm doing isn't necessarily working. I feel a fear, anxiety, worry. Now I'm going to call a parent coach. Okay, so let's talk about you personally. So how do people get find you? Tell me your website address and can you describe a little bit about how your program works?
0:52:44 - Sari Goodman
So my website is the parental edgecom and I came by that name because I give parents the edge. Parents don't necessarily believe they have the some abilities and they do and I help them find it. I have a newsletter that I put out every month for just tips and ideas, and I get all my ideas from what parents are asking me. So I know that it's very important to them and I, if you're in Los, in the Los Angeles area, you call me up and we work, I meet with you and we figure out what's happening, and then I come to your house and I do observations and then after the observations, I don't like to talk too much in front of the children, so what we'll do is zoom or a call afterwards where we'll debrief, and then I make notes and I send those to you, because the strategies that I teach you are strategies you're going to be using for the rest of your lives with children.
They're just. You just tweak them for as they, as they go on, and then you have this a literally a toolbox for your parenting that is very specific to your needs, your worries, your questions and, like you said, sometimes parents will, my clients will call me and say I got an email from, from the teacher. What should I respond? And I help them draft the draft the email, or they? You know, some parents are really worried about having play dates over because they're out of practice. Right, we didn't have those play dates for a couple of years and even parents are out of practice. So we help, I'll go with you to the park and we help park play and we help play dates set up and and I help you build your village also.
0:54:33 - Betsy Jordyn
So it sounds like there's a little bit of like. There's an assessment, there's a toolbox on creation and coaching, and then there's this real time access for the immediate situations. Is the the big aspects of what you offer?
0:54:49 - Sari Goodman
0:54:49 - Betsy Jordyn
Now, let's say they're not in the Los Angeles area. Can you help parents like Oliver zoom, and can you do it that way?
0:54:55 - Sari Goodman
Yes, I do it over zoom and the best is if they have a laptop and they put me on the laptop and then they carry me around the house and it's almost easier to be a fly on the wall because everybody forgets I'm there. So that works well also. And then I do the same kind of thing with a debrief and and and writing notes and and they can take me on their phone everywhere they go and I still they call me when when things are getting a little tough and they just need help over that hump.
0:55:27 - Betsy Jordyn
That's great. I mean, I literally I could talk to you forever, but I know we've been on for a while and we got to wrap up. Is there anything else that you want to talk to me about the parenting journey? And I just didn't ask you the right question.
0:55:39 - Sari Goodman
I think that we talked about. You know the, the fact that it's really hard to be a parent, and it's also the most joyous, the most joyous thing that you can do in your life, I think, even when things are really tough, the fact is, is that you brought this human into the world and you get to watch how they, who they became and what they became, and that journey is very, very, very one of a kind. There's nothing like it.
0:56:14 - Betsy Jordyn
Thank you so much for being on the show. This is just such a gift and blessing, I know, to me and to everybody who's listening. Thank you so much, and for those of you who are listening, I hope that you walk away, just encourage with this whole idea that it's not good or bad, it just is and you get to be the best version of whatever parent you're supposed to be. So thank you so much and until next time. Just again, thanks for listening. Thank you for tuning in. If today's episode lit a fire in you, please rate and review an offer ready on Apple podcasts or subscribe wherever you listen, and if you're looking for your next step, visit me on my website at BetsyJordyn.com and it's Betsy Jordyn with a Y and you'll learn all about our end to end services that are custom designed to accelerate your success. Don't wait. God bless you all.